If you’re in recovery from an alcohol or substance use disorder (AUD/SUD), then you know exactly what a trigger is, and that every holiday season is filled with triggers of all sorts. Your definition probably aligns almost perfectly with this definition from the American Psychological Association (APA):
“A stimulus that elicits a reaction. For example, an event could be a trigger for a memory of a past experience and an accompanying state of emotional arousal.”
For people in recovery, the accompanying state may refer to an emotional state or a pattern of behavior that leads to relapse to alcohol or drug use. However, we read an article recently called “What is the Trigger of Addiction?” that suggests we revisit our concept of what a trigger is, which can inform how we respond to them.
The current thinking on triggers is that they’re external stimuli, or external problems/situations/events, which, when experienced, increase risk of relapse. Therefore, the approach in addiction treatment is threefold:
- Avoid them.
- Create coping skills to mitigate their effect.
- Learn to apply coping skills in real time to prevent relapse.
What the new article we mention above points out is that our current view of trigger may place too much emphasis on the external, and not enough emphasis on the internal. In other words, the way we talk about triggers now gives us wiggle room to blame something outside of ourselves for something that only we can control, which is whether we relapse to alcohol or drug use.
Instead, the authors of the article suggest a two-step approach to managing triggers. The first is traditional: avoid and learn to manage them. The second is to work on the unresolved internal emotional state or states uncovered by the trigger. When we address those issues and develop internal emotional resiliency, the external triggers will have less power. Therefore, they’ll have less of a chance of leading to relapse, because we’ve done the internal work necessary to resolve them.
Family Time During the Holidays While in Recovery: Managing Triggers
We can use this idea to think of triggers in a new way. Rather than external forces to blame for leading us to unresolved internal spaces, we can think of them as reminders of the work we still need to do, and that, indeed recovery is a lifelong journey and process. They’re gifts that reiterate that one important point: the work of recovery is never finished.
And believe us: when you spend time with your family over the holidays, the gifts abound, and the opportunities to work on your coping skills – both internal and external – are likely to appear early and often during the time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.
That’s why we created this gift for you. It’s our list of tried-and-true, time-tested tactics for thriving – not just surviving – during the holidays this year.
Top Five Tips for Managing Holiday Triggers
1. Reality Check.
If you didn’t realize it before, we’re certain you do now: during the holidays, triggers can come from everywhere. Your reality check means understanding all that beforehand and being honest about the fact that during the holidays, your chance of relapse increases. When you have your most robust relapse prevention and coping skills ready and waiting – on standby, as it were – you can decrease that risk of relapse.
Another thing to consider if you’re heading home for the holidays: people and places from your past have a way of showing up at just the right time to test your resolve. They may be people you used to drink or use drugs with in the past, or they may be places you’ve totally forgotten about that bring back a flood of memories – and may trigger old urges. Believe us: not five minutes after one of your family members pushes one of those buttons they installed, you’ll get a text from an old friend asking you to come join a holiday party you know you shouldn’t attend.
Instead of letting that stress you out, this year, look at that as an opportunity to stick to your plan, stick to your recovery, and reply to that text with an alternate plan to meet and reconnect – on that doesn’t threaten your hard-earned sobriety.
2. Be Prepared.
This is part of your reality check. We recommend you view the holidays with an appropriate combination of optimism, caution, and pragmatism. When you plan for the two big weeks – Thanksgiving and Christmas – map out the times when you think triggers are most likely to appear. For example, if you know your outspoken uncle is going to be at dinner one night – the one who thinks recovery is for wimps and disagrees with you vehemently on every possible social and political issue – then you should prepare yourself for that dinner ahead of time.
Make sure you work out in the morning, if working out is your thing, make sure you get a good you’re well rested, you don’t show up hungry – hunger turns to hanger quick when you’re waiting on those appetizers – and keep your phone at your side, ready to call or message a recovery peer if things get overwhelming.
Be prepared – like a boy scout – and plan ahead. And when you plan ahead, really think it through: who are you going to be with, when are you going to be with them, and do they a) support your recovery or b) threaten your recovery. Answer those questions, come up with a plan to handle the emotions your family members elicit, and you’ll dramatically increase your likelihood of surviving the holidays with your sobriety safe, and your recovery stronger than ever.
3. Community Support Meetings.
Whether you’re traveling to a different city for Thanksgiving or Christmas or staying home, meetings might be a lifesaver during the November-December holidays. That’s no exaggeration: we all know the potential long-term consequences of a real, extended relapse – and none of us want that for ourselves or our recovery peers. Therefore, plan your meetings ahead of time. Most big and medium sized cities have more than enough meetings to meet your needs: early morning, mid-morning, lunch, afternoon, evening – you name the time, and there’s a meeting.
You can plan meetings on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and any time leading up to and after those days. And here’s the amazing thing: literally everyone there is in the same boat, trying to make it through the holidays in as safe and sane a manner as possible. Click here for the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting finder, click here for the Narcotics Anonymous meeting finder, and click here for the SMART Recovery meeting finder. Finally, if you’re in immediate crisis, dial the 988 National Crisis Line or click here to learn about the ways you can find help immediately.
4. Make Your Own Holiday Rituals.
There’s something we haven’t mentioned yet that’s very important: for some people in recovery, family is neither helpful nor what they need. In fact, for some people, family members can impair or impede the recovery process, and create so much emotional turmoil that it’s best to avoid them altogether. Usually it’s a mixed bag: some family members support you completely, others seem determined to upset your peace and create as many challenges to your recovery as possible. Ultimately, the decision is yours: do you risk a toxic environment – with some good parts – or avoid it altogether? We suggest talking this over with your counselor, therapist, sponsor, or recovery peers.
If you decide against going home or being with family for the holidays, we have an excellent alternative suggestion: invite a chosen family of recovery peers and others show support your recovery and start your own holiday traditions. Host a sober Thanksgiving dinner, plan a week full of recovery-friendly Christmas outings, or simply have a small get-together with trusted friends or loved ones and eat too much delicious food. Believe us on this one. There are people near you, or people you already know, who are wondering how they’re going to make the most of the holidays while staying on their program. If you invite them to recovery-friendly holiday outings, we guarantee they’ll be on board, be thankful, and help you make the most out of the holidays this season. And if everything goes well, they can help you plan for the years to come.
5. Gratitude is the Attitude.
You’re here, you’re alive, you’re in recovery: for some of us, those three things themselves are amazing accomplishments – and worth celebrating. They may be more than we expected of ourselves just months ago. If you have a loving and supportive family, we suggest you be grateful for them. Every last cousin, nephew, inappropriate uncle, and aunt-who-knows-best: hug them, tell them you love them, and soak in what the holidays are all about.
In case you forgot, the holidays are all about gratitude.
Giving thanks for your family, for the food at the table, for the time you spend together. And if the family you spend time with this holiday season is your chosen family, rather than your biological family, nothing changes: you can recognize and express your gratitude for their presence in your lives. Our families – biological or chosen – reflect back the best of us, remind us of who we are, why we keep doing the hard work every day, and why we’re grateful: we’re here, we’re alive, and we’re in recovery. That’s cause for celebration, in the true spirit of the holidays.
Your Life, Your Recovery, Your Holidays
One thing you learn in addiction recovery is how relationships affect the experience of your alcohol or substance use disorder (AUD/SUD). You may learn that dysfunctional family relationships or early trauma contributed to your AUD or SUD. Or, you may have learned that you developed an AUD/SUD for entirely different reasons, but your addiction, in turn, had a negative effect on your relationships. In either case, addiction and interpersonal relationships – family or otherwise – are connected.
That’s an important lesson to learn during recovery.
Another important relationship lesson you learn during recovery is about how to set and maintain healthy relationship boundaries. The holidays are perfect for practicing your boundary setting and maintenance skills. For instance, if you really want to travel to see your family for the holidays but only for a little while, you can make that happen. Tell them you’ll come for 2-3 days, then you need to get back to your life.
Alternatively, if you live in the same city or town as your family, you can decide which family events to attend and which to skip. That uncle who thinks recovery is dumb, treatment is a waste of money, and judges you for your chronic medical condition?
Here’s something you really need to know:
You do not have to sit down to dinner with that guy. And if you end up at dinner with that guy, you can get up at any time, go outside, take a walk, call your sponsor, or leave entirely and go to the nearest AA or NA meeting: you’re in control, and you have the power.
And you don’t have to explain yourself, either. You can if you like. Some of your family members may deserve an explanation, and others might not. The point here is that you get to decide. That’s one thing setting boundaries means. You create the lines in your life you will and will not cross. You also create the lines you will and will not allow other people to cross.
With regards to treatment, the lines – or boundaries – you need to create are simple. If something threatens your recovery, don’t let it cross the line, and don’t cross the line towards it. And if something supports your recovery, then by all means, let that something cross that line, and cross the line towards it and embrace it.
The same goes for people: if they support your recovery, then there’s no need to set up a firm boundary. If they threaten your recovery, however, then you absolutely should create a firm, clear boundary, and stick to it.
That’s the best way to ensure that you survive, thrive, and enjoy the holidays this year. Take that advice, combine in with our five-point list above, and we promise: you got this.
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